Last week we talked about navigating friendships while we’re in toxic relationships, but what if a friendship is the toxic relationship we’re in? This week we’re diving deeper into our friendship breakdown, and reminding everyone that toxic relationships are not confined to sexual or romantic connections.
I like to be as honest with you as I can so, in full transparency, this month's topics have been HARD. In my toxic relationship, I was getting manipulated and told that everything was my fault, but deep down I knew he was the one that was hurting me. When it comes to toxic friendships it’s never been that black and white; I’ve always blamed myself, could always be convinced I was doing something wrong, and have never been able to recognize when it’s time to walk away.
I’ve been able to develop a strong understanding of what healthy relationships do and don’t look like, but the friendships I’m still struggling with. I had the inevitable friendship struggles as a kid and teen, but was fortunate enough to leave high school with really strong and dependable friends. I got to college and struggled so much. You guys know I had friendship troubles in my abusive relationship, but they didn’t stop after that. I learned pretty quickly that the way I see friendship isn’t the way a lot of other people do. I think that romantic relationships need a lot of attention and work, but I think friendships should be easy, grounded, and stable. I don’t demand constant reassurance from my friends, and I don't feel the need to maintain a certain amount of quality time in order to know how strong love is within a friendship. If you don’t text me, it’s because you couldn’t. If we don’t hang out for two months, it’s because we’re busy. In my friendships I just like knowing that we don’t have to put in any effort in order to love each other; no matter how much time goes on or how busy life gets, we will always be there for one another.
I am incredibly lucky to have friends at home with the same mentality, but college was a rude awakening. I made friends that I loved with my whole heart but didn’t understand the ways that I functioned in a friendship. My relationship with myself needed work, time, and energy. My relationship with my current partner has been growing and evolving for almost a year and a half now, and that did and still does require work, time, and energy. I adored my friends, but I saw that our relationships were healthy and full of love, so I didn’t see that they needed constant work. I saw them every day, texted constantly, and always wanted to make sure I had a meal with them. I perceived that as important quality time with them, and then used the rest of my time on my other relationships.
When I was struggling, my best friend and strongest supporter was my partner. He comforts me in a way that friends can’t; he makes me feel protected and calms my anxiety. When spending time around other people often feels draining for me by the end of the day, he doesn’t make me feel that way. Time with him not only helps our relationship, but it helps me unwind and de-stress. Seeking support and quality time from him, soon became what my friends saw as me choosing him over them. I couldn’t understand how seeing and talking to them every day wasn’t enough. I started to reach out more, try to make more plans, show that I was interested, but at that point, I was already feeling left behind. Plans were getting made without me, I stopped getting texts, everyone just got colder.
When I tried to bring up the way I was feeling they always said I was choosing him instead. I was never around, I made them feel unimportant, I was being a bad friend. I didn’t understand how I was being blamed when I was the one being excluded. I was never told about plans but I was always blamed for not being around when they were happening. I was showing love and effort in all the ways I felt necessary but was constantly being told it wasn’t enough.
After a lot of explanation, we arrive back at our title. Am I the problem? I asked myself constantly and was reassured by everyone else that I was in fact, the problem. But was it really fair of them to not respect the way I approach friendships after I explained it? Was it fair of them to disregard my other problems that needed attention and my other relationships that needed genuine work? Was it fair of them to not take all my gestures and I love yous for what they were, and demand more? No. It really wasn’t fair. That didn’t stop me from doubting myself and trying to change my needs to fit those of others, but I realize now that I shouldn’t have to try that hard and I should never feel like I need to change the innate values that I have - that’s what I want you to take away from all of this; no one, especially a friend, should make you feel like the way you value and handle your relationships is wrong. If someone isn’t willing to understand what you have to offer and need to receive in a relationship, then they aren’t for you. A friend should never make you feel guilty, and you should never feel like you need to change something about yourself for that friendship to work.
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