I think the best way to wrap up this month of discussing the hard truths post-breakup is by talking about feeling confident in your independence. I spent my years in high school absolutely in love with time by myself but after experiencing my trauma, the scaries crept in every second that I was alone. While it takes a lot of time to adjust to feeling safe again in public, there is so much you can do to feel safe and comfortable in your own skin again.
As I’m sure you know, falling asleep was one of my biggest struggles. Pre-trauma one of my favorite feelings in the world was getting into bed at the end of the day. I loved closing my eyes and feeling like I could finally relax, but that’s something I lost. I was nineteen years old and counting sheep because I was so desperate to find something to distract myself. The sheep weren’t helpful but the counting actually was. I started counting every night to fall asleep; I pictured big bubble numbers, each filled in with a different color and different pattern. It seems simple and almost silly but it worked for me for a long time. I then was able to transition into focusing on my breathing to fall asleep, just thinking about each inhale and exhale. Now I get into bed and can’t even remember falling asleep because it happens so fast.
I was able to get my nights under control, but during the day was still so hard for me. I used to love long drives and being able to relax and watch TV but they became miserable because I couldn’t stand being alone by myself. Driving was just crying, and watching TV was zoning out completely. Adding another component to these activities helped me split my attention, and be able to focus on what I was doing. Instead of just having music on while I was driving, I became more intentional about the music I picked and I set my focus to that. It was something I could enjoy while I was driving and retrained myself to enjoy that time again. I did the same thing while watching TV. I started coloring or making friendship bracelets so I could watch and focus on something physical in front of me. Having something to do forced me to stay present and I was able to find enjoyment in the simple things again.
Once these seemingly normal tasks became easy again, I was able to start putting time aside to do the things I cared about. Just like we talked about “finding you again,” dating yourself is just important. My favorite little dates with myself were simple activities that I turned into quality alone time. Going to the gym, sitting outside to tan, and cooking were all little ways that I could make quality time with myself. I was at a time in my life when going out in public alone was still really scary. So, I’m here to tell you that a date with yourself doesn't have to mean going out; a date with yourself is any time you put aside to get to know and better understand yourself. While it may seem easy, that self-care time helped me reconnect emotionally and physically with not only myself but with everything that was happening around me. As I’ve said before, it’s common to feel like a different person post-trauma. It’s so important to take your time getting to know that person.
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