Mya was the first person to introduce me to the concept of toxic cycling. I was both excited and a little bit proud that I didn’t think this was something I had experienced. I unfortunately came to realize that I was wrong. I didn’t come out of my toxic relationship and hop into a new one, but after a lot of reflecting I realized that this relationship was the culmination of a toxic cycle I had already been in for a long time. Disappointing.
I thought the only way to toxic cycle was to get out of a clearly toxic relationship and then seek out a new one because that’s what is familiar. I got out of my abusive relationship and thought fuck that sucked I’m never letting that happen again. I haven't let it happen again but, after taking time to recover and reflect, I realized it was something I had been doing for a long time.
Since I was young, all I ever seemed to want was to be in love. Maybe it had to do with my parents or the movies I watched, or maybe it's something that’s just ingrained in me. Regardless of where it came from, I can see the effect it had on dating, especially when I was young; I was so excited at the thought of being with someone and being loved that I don't think I ever paid much attention to whether or not I actually liked the person. I was thrilled to be wanted and got into relationships where I sought the feeling of being loved.
When I was seventeen I had real feelings for the first time. I liked him, he liked me, and as far as I could tell that was genuine. I thought he was perfect. I thought I was in love. Despite my feelings, we were in different places in life; he was far away and starting his adult life, he struggled with his mental health, I was young and naive, and was getting ready to go to college. He couldn’t commit, and couldn’t put in the time and effort I needed. When I came to college still in this relationship, I was vulnerable and looking to be loved; that was my pattern. I met my abuser and he saw this in me; he knew all the right things to say, and I fell for it. My cycle was falling into whatever made me feel loved and wanted, and I can see now that that is what brought me into this relationship.
It was my cycle, but it wasn’t my fault. Even though I didn't move from one abusive relationship to the next, my pattern is what brought me into an abusive relationship. While it was undoubtedly the worst experience of my life, it’s what broke the cycle. I couldn't see that this was the path I was on, and each relationship seemingly got worse until it was so bad I realized I had to get out. As difficult as this was, I'm able to look back and realize I would still be in this cycle if I didn’t have something to shock me out of it. I know that that isn’t the case for everyone, and some people are lucky enough to realize their patterns on their own. Either way, it's about understanding your patterns and ending the cycle.
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