This week’s may flower is all about the clarity we gain about our ideal partner after a breakup. When we spend time in toxic or abusive relationships it's really easy to lose sight of what we value in a partner. BUT when we get out of those relationships, it becomes really easy to reflect on all the things that we want and don't want in our next partner.
I’ve told this story on the podcast, but I think it’s time that I have it written out somewhere (it is also the best thing that has ever happened to me in a relationship and possibly my whole life so I want to tell it again). One of the most prominent moments of my abusive relationship was when we were breaking up. He went to the door because he wanted to leave, I followed and stood in front of the door because I wanted to finish the conversation. He got angry and started yelling, and I backed away from the door to a small outcove of the wall. I backed up further as he continued to get angrier until my back was against the wall. He kept yelling, getting closer, and standing taller. Pressed against the wall, I said you’re scaring me. Less than a year later I was in a new room saying goodbye to my current partner. It was late and I walked him down the small hallway of my room to say goodnight. As he was kissing me, I turned and tapped my back against the wall. He immediately put his hand on the back of my head, pulled away, and apologized, making sure I was nowhere near the wall. I assured him that it wasn’t his fault, but he pulled me in closer and continued to kiss me, keeping his hand on the back of my head the entire time.
He left that night and I realized that man would never hurt me; intentionally or accidentally, he would never be okay with any sort of harm coming to me. It’s been over a year since that moment and he has never once crossed the line. Every accidental head bump or elbow tap is met with an immediate hole and apology. He never fails to protect me or kiss whatever hurts. It was easy to realize that this is what I deserve and that I would never again want someone who thought it was funny to push me around.
Since that night in the little hallway, I’ve spent the rest of our relationship noticing all of his kind and gentile tendencies that make me realize I made the perfect pick. He always holds my hand. At family events he’s always the first to help everyone older. He listens to my feelings and never fails to express his gratitude to me. He’s everything I could ever want, and I don't think I would be anywhere near as grateful for him if it weren’t for that past relationship. We all know how difficult it is to get over breakups, especially when there is trauma, toxicity, and abuse involved, but I can’t help but be grateful for what I have been through. There are so many small moments in my relationship that I fear I would have taken for granted if I didn’t have the perspective to know just how special they are.
Every experience is an opportunity to grow: to learn what you like and don't like, and what you do and don’t deserve. Your experience makes you strong, it makes you know better, and it gives you the opportunity to see all of the magical moments you might have missed before. Be confident in your experiences and the decisions you made from them, they’ve led you to where you are now and have set you up to continue growing beautifully.
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