Happy 2024! Before we get started, I want to thank all of you for being on this journey with me. Not only am I honored to share my stories, but I’ve learned so much from our readers and listeners, and that truly means the world to me. I am so excited to grow together in this new year.
Okay, back to business… our theme for this month is moving on. As we enter the new year I want to set you up for success as you become open to new relationships. It is absolutely terrifying to start dating and meeting new people after you’ve been in a toxic or traumatizing relationship. I didn’t think anyone was worth trusting. I thought every man was a threat, and that anyone who wanted to get close to me only wanted to hurt me. That wall seems impossible to get over. But, as with everything else we’ve talked about, it does come with time.
When stepping back into dating, I think the most important thing is understanding your personal red and green flags. I decided this month I would go through some of mine to set you up for success, but know that this may look different for everyone.
My #1 Green Flag: When someone fits into your life seamlessly. You shouldn’t have to go out searching for someone, and I think it's so important to believe that what is meant for you will come to you. You shouldn’t have to adjust any of your self-care, routines, or hobbies to fit another person. When someone comes along that fits seamlessly into your life, that’s when you know it’s right.
My Green Flag #2: They’re not okay with doing anything that hurts you. Yes, this may seem like a given, but it took me a long time to learn. Your partner should never be okay with doing anything that hurts you in any way; look for someone who never wants to say a mean word, apologizes for every accidental nudge or bump, and is conscious about everything that hurts you. This means being gentle with you physically, emotionally, and with all of the people and items that matter to you.
My Green Flag #3: They are respectful of others. It’s easy to put a front on with someone you are in a relationship with. Your partner should not act a certain way with you, and differently with everyone else. Look for a partner that is not only kind to you but is respectful to those around them. I firmly believe that how someone treats others reflects who they are as a person.
Okay, now it's time for the red flags.
My #1 Red Flag: They are a bad listener. Listening is such an important effort to get to know and understand your partner. It’s important to get along well, but also to know how to communicate when you need to argue. Someone who listens is someone who values you, and you should never settle for anything less.
My Red Flag #2: Someone who is selfish. Knowing when to put yourself first and being selfish are two very different things. Someone selfish lacks the awareness they need to consider your emotions and values/only does things to benefit themselves. Relationships are about wanting to care for the other person, and you always deserve someone selfless!
My Red Flag #3: Someone unwilling to try new things. Even if it’s a new food or movie, in a relationship you deserve someone open-minded. Someone who refuses to try new things is often someone who lacks flexibility and openness in a relationship. You deserve someone who wants to gain new experiences with you and is open-minded to your likes, hobbies, and ways of communicating.
That may seem like a lot to tale on, but I promise that you are now in a position to know what is good for you and what isn’t. As difficult as it is to go through an unhealthy relationship, I think it helped me to see what I deserved in a partner. Getting back into dating is scary, but you are now well-equipped with what to look for and what to avoid. Remember what’s important to you, and remind yourself that you can do this!
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