Trauma is a weird thing. We throw the word around all the time: ‘Oh that was traumatic,’ ‘That traumatized me.’ But in reality, no one really seems to acknowledge the severity of experiencing an actual trauma. And, I don’t think we pay enough attention to the severity of trauma that comes from relationships.
I remember being a few months post break up and realizing I was completely passive in my own relationship; the whole thing was happening to me and I wasn’t aware of anything that was actually going on. By the time I was out and realized what happened, it only seemed logical that it was my own fault. I was literally there… the whole time. How could I not realize what was happening? It took me months to put all of the pieces together and, by the time I did, I was finally able to recognize the fact that I had been through something traumatic. It’s hard to look back and realize you were blind to what was happening right in front of you. Not only is it easy to punish yourself, but it’s also easy to dismiss all of those feelings: ‘It was bad, but someone else has it worse’ kind of thing. I sat in this puddle of guilt for what felt like forever: guilt about being hurt, guilt about not protecting myself, guilt for feeling sorry for myself when someone else had been through worse.
In retrospect, all the times I thought to myself, I wish he would just hit me so I could break up with him, should have been an indicator. The thing is though, not all of us get the “oh shit” moment where you realize what you’re going through isn’t okay. Clarity comes easily or quickly for some, but not for everyone, and I’m the first to admit that it's hard to remove yourself from the situation you’re in to look at it objectively. Going through the trauma is hard enough, we have to give ourselves a break when it comes to processing. It can take a while to understand what you went through, to realize that some moments and memories don’t go away, and to learn how to not blame yourself. You deserve some more credit, we all do.
- K
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