Welcome to April! This month, as we step into spring, we’re embracing the idea of April showers. We’ll be diving into the hard times and dark days that we go through before we’re able to grow. We’re starting with the roots of our relationship issues.
This conversation started when we discussed girlhood. I told you about the ways boys from my childhood affected me, and I’m sure you shared some of those common experiences. We talked about how societal standards impact young women when we discussed the patriarchy. I’m sure you shared those experiences with me as well. We are raised to be what society defines as ‘womanly’ in our relationships: submissive, nurturing, domesticated. Society takes its turn imprinting on us as young girls, but despite living on the same plain we all grow from different roots.
My parents have always been my biggest role models. My mom is strong, stubborn, and independent. My dad is understanding, humble, and kind. Neither is perfect, but I see so much of each of them in myself. There are no other two people in the world who could have turned me into the person I am today. They’re both incredibly intelligent, both funny, and both love me more than anything. But, I know that’s not how they feel about each other. There is a lot of love between them, but I’ve known since I was young that they aren't in love.
That made me want to be in love more than anything. I was so eager to have something more than what I saw between them. All I've ever wanted is to get married and live in a house with someone who was in love with me. But I think I was too young to understand that you can’t just love anyone. A boy would like me and I was over the moon. I was just so excited at the idea of it, that I thought you could be in love with anyone. I think that eagerness is why I had so many of those young relationships, why I gave so many chances, why I would swoon at just a few nice words. I think it’s why I was so thrown off my feet when I felt love for the first time, and so vulnerable when it didn't work out. It’s why I got taken advantage of and was fooled when my abuser told me that what he was showing me was love.
That was not my fault. That was not mom’s fault and that was not dad’s fault. It’s the way life goes when you don't understand the complexities of relationships until you’ve lived them. This is one of those weeks where I know my story won’t necessarily be the same as yours, but I hope you find comfort in knowing that we can't blame ourselves for what has happened to us. We have to learn to give grace to the people we grew up around, who were products of their own environments just as we are, and who were also fighting their own battles. I think we all hope for the opportunity to do better the next time we try. I think we’re all lucky to learn from our experiences and the ones of those around us. I think the bottom line is that you don’t know better until you know better… and now we do.
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