So you went through this awful thing and it took you forever to figure out how you feel and process your feelings, and maybe you haven't even gotten there yet, but now you’re supposed to be able to talk about it?? No.
It took months to even be able to think about what happened to me. It was almost a year before I could say his name. I still shudder at the thought of him ever touching me. When something is that hard to process internally, how are we supposed to process it externally? Especially when we have doubts. We talked last week about invalidating our own feelings, being dismissive because other people “have it worse,” and blaming ourselves; HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE WHEN THAT IS HOW WE’RE FEELING ABOUT OURSELVES?! I don't know. Genuinely, it feels impossible. But so did getting out, and so did processing on our own. So, this too, is something you can get through.
I grew up under the impression that asking for help was weak. It was always offered to me, but I was always too stubborn to take it. I’m lucky that I overcame that naivete before I left my abusive relationship; I can’t imagine being in the state I was in, and still being in a place where I refused help. That isn't the experience that everyone has though. Some people go their whole lives without experiencing anything that requires external help. Some people don’t know how to ask for help. Some people don't know how to talk to the people closest to them. Some people don’t know when it’s time to ask for any kind of help.
The bottom line is, I don’t think getting help is negotiable. I don't think there's such a thing as some people need it but some people can do it on their own. I’m stubborn and sensitive and care way too much about what other people think and I completely shut down when I'm hurt, and I know that even I could have never done it alone. Saying what you’ve been through is really hard. Admitting what you feel is really hard. I remind you of that constantly because it’s so easy to forget. And I know that reassurance feels good. Opening up and having someone tell you your feelings are valid and justified, and that what you went through wasn't your fault, feels good. Therapy was really hard, but it felt good. Telling my mom what I had been through was hard, her not understanding my feelings was harder, but being able to tell her felt good.
You come out of a situation like this and you feel like shit, but it’s so unfair that so many of us feel ashamed. The stigma around abuse is that it’s a dirty conversation, it's messy, it's inappropriate. It’s not. It is something so many of us have experienced, so why do social standards dictate that it’s something we should feel embarrassed to talk about? To protect the egos of the people who abuse us? To protect the younger generation from reality? That’s not how this works. That’s how toxic behavior becomes cyclical in society, and how we continue to blame ourselves for the wrongdoings of others.
You went through something hard. You should not have to bear that on your own. In your own time, you will be able to speak. And each time you do, it will get a little easier. You deserve to be heard. You need to know you’re not the only one.
- K
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