We work so hard to find ourselves post-trauma. We mourn and we heal and we establish new routines and find things that are important, but we haven’t undone what has been done to us. Healing is a slow and tedious process. Even when you think you’ve done everything you can, you have to learn to accept that everything won’t change at once. I think I was under the impression that one day everything would heal; I would have done my time and then been released. But, I’ve come to believe that day doesn't come. Trauma lingers, uncomfortable thoughts hang around, and some wounds take their sweet time to heal… we call those the scaries.
My social anxiety subsided and my OCD came under control, but half the men I see in public still look like him, memories of being with him still make my skin crawl, and I still flinch at any loud sounds. I’ve spent a lot of time, energy, and thought healing, but those things still stick around. They aren’t every second or every day, but they still pop up now and then; it doesn't mean I did a bad job healing, and it doesn't mean I'm broken, I just had a little scary. They’ll look different for you, and some are more daunting than others, but like everything else we have had to learn to accept, they too are just a part of the process.
My scariest scaries came at night, which I’m sure is common for a lot of us. I managed to keep myself busy enough during the day, but when I got into bed at night there was nowhere to hide, nothing to distract me, all I could seem to do was lie awake and think. Flashbacks flooded in one after another. I told myself to just stop thinking about it, but no matter how hard I tried he crept his way in; I could feel him under the sheets. I could see him every time I closed my eyes. I would wait and wait to fall asleep, hoping it would bring some peace. But, a couple of months in, the nightmares started. Usually, I was somewhere familiar but it looked completely different; a new version of somewhere I know. He would be there, watching me, but I was the only one that noticed. I couldn’t say anything, and couldn't move. They started to change over time; he would get closer, even come talk to me.
They’ve subsided a little but, despite all the healing I've done, they still come around. The difference now is that they’re a little less scary. When I close my eyes he is no longer my first thought. I’ve learned to sleep peacefully, and even feel safe sharing a bed with someone again. The scaries will always be scary, but they seem to be farther away now… scary from a more comfortable distance. I think the bottom line is that trauma will linger. Intrusive thoughts are called intrusive for good reason. And fuck whoever said to find comfort in the uncomfortable. The things that linger and hold on to us are scary for a reason; we have every right to feel the way we do and we can’t expect it all to change at once. But now, at every flashback and nightmare and uncomfortable thought, you can acknowledge you had a scary and know that’s all it is.
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