I was so absolutely heartbroken post-breakup. I didn’t miss him for a second, but I missed the person I used to be. I felt different down to my bones. Everything about me had changed. I couldn’t think or feel or process anything the way I used to. I thought I was broken. A therapist told me that trauma changes your brain chemistry. That’s all it is. But, putting it into one small little sentence feels so wrong. I was a new person. I didn’t know myself anymore. That can be summed up as a change in chemistry?
I was later diagnosed with PTSD, as well as OCD and anxiety as a result of trauma. I couldn’t sleep. I hated being out in public. I started to obsess over all the little things I could control because everything else felt so far out of my control. I was paranoid about feeling dirty. I thought everyone was watching me. I thought everyone I saw in public was him. I had nightmares constantly. I saw no purpose in my life anymore. That isn’t just processing what you’ve been through. It's one thing to get over what’s happened, it's another thing to learn how to live a completely different way.
Why doesn’t anyone talk about it? Why does no one tell you that you don't have to fight in a literal war in order to have PTSD? Why does no one tell you that your entire life changes and that’s just something you have to figure out how to deal with? Our society has opened up about struggles with mental illness, but I don’t ever recall hearing a conversation about what it’s like to have an entirely new way of thinking just dropped on you. Your brain chemistry changes. You change. And you should never be expected to navigate that change like it’s easy. It isn’t. It’s really hard to mourn yourself. It’s hard to look back and remember being a particular way, and no matter how hard you try not being able to be that way again.
When I started this process of grieving who I used to be, I was told that even though I would never be that person again, the person I become is someone I can like just as much, if not more. I’ve tried to carry that with me since. I changed. Every day has OCD in it now, and that's something I live with. But I was going to change regardless. Life was going to happen. Was it guaranteed that the workings of my brain and reflexes would change? No. But that’s what happened. Even Though you become someone new post-trauma - that person is still you. That person will still grow, and learn, and turn into someone you can be proud of, even if they’re a little different than how they started.
- K
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