We have walked through opening up and entering healthy relationships, and now there is an entirely new realm of lessons to learn when it comes to actually being in that relationship. Whether you’ve experienced a traumatic or abusive relationship, are in your first relationship, are in your 100th relationship, or have found your perfect match, it won’t always be smooth sailing. Relationships will evidently have conflict because people have conflict; you won't agree on everything, you won't always know how to meet each other's needs, and there will be times when you each mess up. The thing to understand is that despite all of these factors, there is a loving and kind way to disagree.
In my mind, there's a clear distinction between arguing and fighting. It has nothing to do with the way you feel or the severity of the situation, but rather the intentions behind how you handle it. In both an argument and a fight you can be hurt, or angry, or upset, or disappointed, or some combination of them all. In both instances, you disagree but in a fight, you act with the intention of hurting the other person. Yes, you may feel hurt regardless, but an argument focuses on pinpointing, discussing, and solving those feelings rather than making your partner feel them as well.
I’m a firm believer that you should never fight in a relationship. You may use the word in passing or ask “are we fighting?” but when you take a step back and look at it, it should be an argument. There shouldn't be anything said or done to hurt you or your partner. Your argument should be based on conversation. You’re explaining why you’re upset or you’re listening to your partner. You’re taking accountability and acknowledging each other's feelings. If you can’t agree, you’re getting to a point where you both feel comfortable to move on or compromise. When you argue, you know you’re still on the same team; you’re not fearing a breakup or thinking that this could ruin your relationship, you're simply just arguing.
When was in a toxic relationship fighting was just a given. I was always going to be made to feel bad. I was never going to be heard. I’d be yelled at no matter what. Drinking would inevitably lead to fighting. Anything I did could lead to a fight. And, no matter what, I was going to end up hurt. Just like everything else on the healing journey, this was such a difficult wall to get over in my next relationship; I was terrified to bring up my feelings, didn’t feel like I could share anything that upset me, and was constantly afraid that I would ‘set him off.’ I shared my feelings slowly and was met with nothing but acceptance. After over a year together, I’m confident that every disagreement has led to a meaningful conversation and helped us strengthen our relationship. When I think about fighting vs arguing, it’s so clear to me that my partner is someone I would NEVER want to fight with. I’m happy to argue. He appreciates when I call him out and I apologize when I know I’m being unfair. We love each other so much that we don't leave room in our relationship for fighting.
What I want you to take away is that a relationship needs disagreement and conflict to grow, but that should never result in hurting each other. I create the distinction between the words fight and argue, but those are just words. I’m not telling you to change your phrasing, but rather really consider the difference between a healthy disagreement and a hurtful display of personal feeling. You deserve someone you love too much to fight with and someone who understands you deeper after each argument.
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