I’m pretty sure I’ve spent my entire life waiting to fall in love. I learned young that it’s hard: it’s hard to make friends you love, it’s hard to find someone who wants to love you, it’s hard to love who you are, it’s hard to find drive and passion for things in life, it’s hard to know what love is. I think I learned every one of those lessons the hard way. Girls were mean, boys were mean, I was mean to myself, nothing was ever good enough. My young life taught me that people were going to use me. ‘Friends’ would take advantage of my good intentions. The boys that liked me only did like me because of how I looked, and didn’t like me at all when I wasn’t ready to do the things they wanted. I spent my childhood and teen years feeling like I wasn't passionate about anything. I was people-pleasing and just waiting to be loved for it. I got to college and learned just how far people would go to take advantage of that.
I met a boy. One that saw I was weak, knew all the things to say, and made me feel loved. That love quickly showed itself to be manipulation and lies, anger and abuse. I stayed long enough for it to consume me, and couldn't get out when I tried. Pieces of my abusive relationship were revealed to me and only started to make sense after I was out. For the first time, I was seeing and understanding what I had already lived through. My life felt over. I was used and dirty and broken. We weren’t together but he was all over me. I wanted to be loved so badly, that I walked myself into it. I hated being alive.
It took me a long time to unlearn all of those thoughts, and I’m still trying. It took a long time to even approach the idea that it wasn’t my fault. I’m still fighting to accept the fact that I won’t ever be the girl I was before. Life changes you, and sometimes, it really hurts to watch it happen. It nearly broke my heart, but I started to get to know the person I am. As I healed, I was able to find what I loved in life. But, I didn’t feel like it was fair that I had to figure it out on my own. While I had support, I couldn't find anyone or anything that made me feel like someone understood what I went through. This evolved into a desire to share my story. I was lucky enough to meet Mya, and now am lucky enough to have the opportunity to share with you. I’m here as a resource, to talk about the things we don’t talk about enough, to make you see that someone has gone through what you’ve been through, and to help you find what you deserve in your relationships. I’m so excited to start our journey.
- K
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